Copyright © 2011 Vern Thiessen
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
A ten-minute version of this play was commissioned and first produced by the InspiraTO Festival, Dominik Loncar, Artistic Director. It was developed in association with Pat The Dog Playwright Centre, Lisa O’Connell, Artistic Director. Other versions of this piece were developed with funding from the Alberta Foundation for the Arts. Many thanks to Susie Moloney, Patrick Lane, Rory Runnels, Hamilton Clancy, and of course, my understanding family.
PRODUCTION CREDITS
Bungalow was first presented at the Rory Runnels Studio, Winnipeg, Manitoba, July 2010. It was produced by Death and Taxes Theatre in association with The Manitoba Association of Playwrights. Direction, videography, sound, and visual design by Warren Sulatycky. The SON was played by Vern Thiessen.
CHARACTERS
SON In his 40’s.
BUNGALOW
Outside the theatre – a sign:
“ComFree - OPEN HOUSE.”
Inside:
As people enter:
The Son serves cookies and coffee/juice.
Projected slides and/or film from time to time.
SON Thank you so for coming to the Open House.
A few things before we begin.
He hands out the sheets.
The house was built in 1961.
A prime example of a North Kildonan bungalow.
Single level.
1177 square feet.
Finished basement with three bedrooms up, a living room, kitchen and dining room.
Double car garage built in 1972.
My…
The current owners moved in 1968.
Purchase price was $19,000. 10% interest. Times have changed.
The front yard has a lovely spruce and linden tree.
The backyard has a crab apple tree planted in 1969.
There’s a lovely garden, tended carefully right up until…
Well.
My parents are selling their house.
Actually, my dad is….
Actually, I’m…
The house is for sale.
And you’re here to see it.
So let’s take a look, shall we?
****
Slides/video.
Here we are in the kitchen.
Oh. I forgot.
Location. Location, location, location.
Very safe North Kildonan
Very safe Edison Ave.
Believe me, nothing ever happens here.
You got a Sobey’s and a Super Store just a short drive away.
You’ve got a Petro Can right on the corner of Rothesay and Edison.
And you’ve got the Mennonite Bake Oven just up the street.
Who needs Tuxedo with a Mennonite Bake Oven!
Of course, no cookie you buy is as good as your mom’s.
No Croekel Platz or Paska is going to beat your mom’s.
No one, but no-one is going to make Zweebak like your mom.
And believe me, my mom baked a lot of Zweebak in this kitchen.
As you can see, she got new cabinets some time ago, new stove, fridge, microwave.
No dishwasher, though.
Refused to get one.
She liked washing dishes.
If you can imagine.
Shift.
She’s washing dishes
Staring out the window
Her garden a dream
The crab tree a memory
Of growing up in Russia
Where apricots and apples
Pears and peaches
Raspberries and Rhubarb and
Watermelon wait to be canned
For the winter.
She’s watching her 5 year old son
Trying to walk the fence
With the other boys
But when he stumbles
Knocks out a
Loose tooth
Crying
Not because it hurts
But because it’s broken
Like a toy he can’t play with anymore
She takes the tooth in one hand
And his hand in the other
And teaches him
To walk the fence
Balancing his scrawny weight
On two feet of wood
Between her garden and the neighbors’ bushes
High in the air.
I can’t do it.
Du hast es. Du hast es Junge.
I’m gonna fall.
You are my good boy
My very good boy…
Shift.
So. No dishwasher.
Schools.
You’ve got Springfield Heights Elementary
Chief Peguis Junior High and
River East Collegiate
All within a 15 minute walk.
Important in the winter.
Your kids can come home for lunch.
In fact, there’s a crosswalk just up Edison.
You can cut from Edison Ave right to Springfield Heights.
I took that walk every day.
Shift.
Where do you think you’re going, kid?
Home for lunch, Mark Dumanski.
No you’re not.
Whadya mean?
Not till you lick the fence.
Uh uh!
Lick it. Or you aint getting thru.
But it’s my only way home.
Too bad.
But it’s winter, if I lick the fence, my tongue’ll stick.
Too bad.
My dad’ll be mad.
Your dad’s nothing.
Is too! He’s a welder.
Got that funny accent.
Does not!
Know what my dad is? He’s an ENGINEER. Now lick the fence.
Nooooo!
Lick it! Now!
He sticks out his tongue. It sticks to the fence.
Ah. AH! (his tongue stuck:) I hate you Mark Dumanski!
Shift.
So it’s a very safe neighborhood for your children.
He picks up a lunch pail and thermos.
It’s also a very working class immigrant neighborhood
Always has been.
A lot of Mennonites moved here in the 60’s like my parents - a step up from Elmwood.
Real hard working, blue collar people, ya know.
And after a long day at work, it was a nice house to come home to.
Shift.
He comes home from work
Yawning
His mouth
Snatching the last bits of late afternoon sun.
And after dinner
Sits here, at the kitchen table
His hands: Black.
From the steel.
The oil.
The work.
Junge? Kom mal her.
Yeah Dad?
You see dese hands?
You nevers want hands like zis, when you grow up.
Nevers.
Okay.
See?
Zer ist eine sliver.
From the steel.
Uh huh.
Hier ist eine needle, okay?
Okay.
You take the needle.
You get out the sliver.
I have big hands. Bad eyes.
You have small hands. Good eyes.
Won’t I hurt you?
You go slow.
Try.
Gently…..
Gently….
Ish
Sorry.
Dat’s okay.
Again.
Gently…..
I got it!
Sehr gut, Junge, very good.
You are a good boy.
My very good boy.
Shift.
****
Slide.
This is the Dining Room.
Enough space for a table and chairs
A cabinet for silverware and such.
Small chandelier my father installed
On a dimmer.
Now that was fancy for those days.
It’s a great for entertaining family and guests.
Slide.
And it’s connected to The Living Room.
Place for a couch, coffee table,
And… Wow.
Check this out.
The stereo from the 1950’s.
Look at this. This is amazing.
He puts on an album: perhaps 22 Explosive Hits. He sings along. He holds up the album.
K-Tel! Great Winnipeg company!
He plays a few more excerpts.
And this. I found this yesterday. It’s a 45.
Of Little Red Riding Hood.
In German.
He plays a version of Little Red Riding Hood in German that is completely frightening. He picks up a kids’ book and shows it.
My parents had all these German kids’ books like this one:
StruewelPeter.
It’s got all these stories about….
Children getting their thumbs cut off if they suck them.
Or drowned if they daydream
Or here’s my favourtie:
Here’s a girl who gets burned to death because she’s been playing with matches.
Those Germans, eh? Always trying to SCARE YOU!
Shift.
The record continues to its scariest moment.
Junge?
Ja, Mutti?
Komm mal her.
She sits on the couch
Before bed
And reads
To her son
Little Red Riding Hood.
He imitates the terrifying part of the record.
And when he finally gets to sleep
Dreams of wolves
Flying through his window
Wolves bursting through his closet
Wolves climbing from under his mattress
All of them
Speaking German
German
German!
Mutti! Dad?!
But you don’t hear your son, no
Because you are busy in the dining room table
Entertaining your guests
Playing games
The smell of Jiffy-Pop and coffee
The clink of Russian vodka
Poured into shot glasses collected
From summer vacations:
Niagara Falls, Yellowstone, Kenora.
You are playing cards and crokanole and that
Most Mennonite passion of all:
Dominoes
Slamming the black and white slates down
Like dares
Shouting low-german saws that sound like
The Wolf.
Nay!
Jo!
Ach du lieba Zeit!
Nay!
Jo!
Doppel Zas!
Oba!
Nay!
Jo!
Zohn Mist!
Forteg ist de Sach!
So your son gets out of bed
In his pajamas
Takes out a crayon
Writes in seven year old scrawl
On a scrap piece of paper
And takes it to you.
Nah Junge, was ist jetzt?
And he hands you the paper, and you read:
I am running away from home.
If you want me, I will be in my room.
HA HA HA!! Oh Junge.
And your son cries
Not because he’s angry
But because he’s tired.
And you put him to bed
And sing him this lullaby.
.
(singing) Hi jee bin beitchee, Schlaff lange
Es ist ja dein Mutter ausgange
Sie ist ja ausgange
Und kommt nicht mehr Heim
Und lest Ihr klein buebe
Alien in da Heim.
Which means:
“Sleep well
Your mother has gone away
She has gone away
And she’s never coming back.”
Shift.
****
We’ll move on to my parents’ bedroom.
Actually…
We’ll save that for later.
****
This is the T.V. room.
Actually, its just a small bedroom
We only CALL it the TV room
Because
Well
It has a TV in it.
He lifts a sheet to reveal an old T.V.
Still here.
Still works.
Black and white. No cable.
A pair of rabbit ears and good weather gets you everything you need: Charlie’s Angels, Wonder Woman; The Razzle Dazzle Hour, The Monkies, Hockey Night in Canada and Bugs Bunnny. What more do you want?
And what you can’t see on TV, you can watch Friday nights at the North Kildonan Community Club. Cuz sorry, you’re too young to take a bus downtown at night to see a movie. So you and Rod Warkentin and Ray Walker go to the Club and you get a bowl of popcorn and you sit down with fifty other 10 year old boys and watch as many movies as you can: Godzilla v. The Smog Monster, The Abominable Doctor Phibes and all 5 of the Planet of the Apes Movies. And afterwards you and Ray and Rod run down the dark streets of North Kildonan, ringing doorbells like apes and then running away like apes, and ringing doors like apes, and running away like apes, until all of North Kildonan knows:
“We are Apes. And we will Rule the World!”
Shift.
He checks his watch.
You can take the TV if you want. I’ll throw it in with the house. One less thing for the movers. Who will be here soon. We better get going.
****
Slide.
Upstairs bathroom, nothing special really.
Oh.
Wait a second.
You can see the garage from here.
Out the window.
You can see all the way into the garage.
There’s an old baby carriage out there.
Shift.
That’s where…
(a secret) It’s where I hide my mags, eh?
Penthouse, Playboy, eh?
I don’t want to get caught in the house
So I hide them, see, in the baby carriage
And smuggle them in the house
Cuz it’s like illegal for me to have them
Cuz I’m only 14.
They’re hard to get
Harder than smokes.
I can’t buy them at the Mac’s see
So I get them used from
Darrin McLeod
He lives in those crummy apartments on Rothesay and Sutton where single moms live and poor families whose dads are alkies.
I think Darrin’s a fag
That’s why he sells his dad’s mags to people like me
Cuz if he wasn’t a fag
He’d keep them for himself, right?
So?
Won’t your dad care?
You kiddin? He’s got boxes goin’ back to the 1950’s.
Really?
Thinks they’ll be worth something someday. To WHO?
Has he, has he got, like, March 1964, cuz that’s my birthday.
I can check
That’d be cool
Cost ya extra
Why?
Special order
Come on
SPECIAL ORDER
Whatdya got now?
For Men Only
How much
Buck fifty
Buck FIFTY?
Three bucks at Macs and they won’t let you buy them.
Will so.
Will not. You’re 12.
I’m 14!
Well you look 12. You want it or not?
For Men Only. Okay….
See ya next week.
Wait. You got a smoke?
You’re too young
I just bought a magazine from you!
Smoked before?
Yeah!
What
Du Muarier.
Lights?
Yeah
Virgin
Am not!
Well I don’t have Du Maurier.
Whatdya got?
Vantage
American?
Yeah
Wow. Can I bum one?
You can BUY one.
How much
A quarter.
A quarter!
That’s the price.
I aint got a quarter
Give me your cat’s eye
Nu!!!
Give me your cat’s eye and I’ll give you a smoke.
Deal.
I wait till after supper
And then
I go out to the Garage
To smoke my Vantage
And look at my Men’s Only:
It’s got like girls dressed in
Soccer and Volleyball and Nurses outfits
Except their boobs are showing
And I’m taking a big puff
When I hear my Dad comes into the garage
And I gotta ditch it fast
into the snow
And hide my mag under my coat.
Help me with the tires, yeah?
But I ignore him
And I sneak my mag inside
Past my mom in the kitchen
To the bathroom.
And I lock the door
And then I, I
Flip through the pictures and
I, I…
Knock knock!
Was tust du bloss?
Nothing Mom!
Was, nah-sink, go help your father!
I’ll be out in a minute
Mach schnell
Okay, okay. I’m out!
Ah ah!
What?
What do you have?
Nothing.
What do you have?
Nothing.
Lass mir sehen!
He does.
Vas is zis?
It’s Darrin’s!
I told your father and I tell you now:
I von’t have these in the house.
Okay.
Verstest?
OKAY!
Now go help your vater.
And I head BACK into the garage
WITHOUT my mag
Which I just spent a buck fifty on
And WITHOUT my 25 cent smoke I had to throw into the snow
And it’s the middle of winter
And he’s changing the tires
Why does he always DO this?
Change the snow tires on the COLDEST NIGHT OF THE YEAR.
Gibt mir die crow bar da.
And I stand out there
And it’s freezing
And it smells like
Oil
From the car
And from his job
And I say
I’m going inside!
Junge.
WHAT!
And he reaches into his pocket
And he hands me a
A hockey card
Of Winnipeg Jets goalie
Joe Daley
I love Joe Daley.
He grew up here, you know dat?
Here in North Kildonan.
And it’s signed
To me.
Joe Daley has signed it
To me.
I know a guy. At vork. He knows Joe. He helped me get it.
But I’m mad, right.
I’m mad that he makes me come out here
To the garage
In the middle of January
I’m mad because he makes me help change the snow tires
Even though I don’t DO anything
I’m mad because everybody on the North Kidonan Cobras
Makes fun of me
Cuz I have old skates
That bend at my ankles
And I beg him over and over
To buy me a pair of CCM Tacs
Instead of these cheap PIECE OF SHIT SECOND HAND BOWER’S, and now he hands me a card of Joe Daley with my name on it like everything’s okay but its not cuz I’ll never be a good hockey player with those skates, I’ll never be like Joe Daley, even if he is from North Kildonan and now I don’t have my secret magazines anymore or my smokes and I’m so MAD, I’m so FRIGGIN MAD that I, I…
He rips the card in two.
And I go into the house
And I’m crying
Not because I’m a suck
Not because I’m tired
But because I don’t want to live in THIS HOUSE.
I don’t want to live in a house where I gotta cut the lawn every Saturday afternoon with an electric lawn mower even though I BEG HIM to buy a gas one.
I don’t want to live in a house where I lose at chess EVERY SINGLE TIME.
I don’t want to live in a house where I never get the Christmas present I want. I don’t want a new outfit for church, I want an electric guitar! I want an electric guitar not a new outfit.
I don’t want to live in a house where I, where my mom puts out stupid ceramic doves I made in Grade Six.
I don’t want to live in a house where my parents put these stupid puzzles on the wall, and which my father refuses to let me take them down because he believes, yes, he believes they add resale value to the Bungalow! I HATE THIS HOUSE!!!
***
My father, he…
He can’t
He’d not.
He needs a lot of care.
***
Junge.
Yeah Dad?
Komm mal her.
What are you doing?
Shaving.
When will I shave
When you’re older.
How will I know what to do?
I show you.
Mix the cream in the cup.
Like so.
Spread it on.
Like so.
Dip the blade in hot water and slide it. Like so.
Try.
Won’t I cut you?
You go slow. Gently.
The son reaches for the razor.
Dips it in the water
Draws down the blade
And sees
Sees
that he hasn’t cut his father at all.
Good, Junge.
Good.
When you are older:
You will be a good man.
Shift.
He checks his watch.
We’re almost finished. The movers….
***
This is my bedroom.
My mom never really changed the room after I left.
That’s why there’s still posters:
The Phantom
Bobby Hull. Avco Cup champs!
Mini Mack Heron of your Grey Cup Champion Winnipeg Blue Bombers.
Lynda Carter
Jessica Harper
Farrah (God rest her soul)
Girls.
He finds his old glasses. Puts them on.
Shift.
So there’s this girl, eh.
I’m like 15 and she’s 14
And I meet her in on the C.B.
I gotta C.B.
My dad and I hooked up the antenna on the roof
Okay my dad did I just watched but still
And I’m on channel 19 and my handle is
Get this
Brain Surgeon.
Isn’t that great?
Rod Warkentin came up with it.
So I’m like
Breaker 1-9, breaker 1-9 this is the Brain Surgeon over
And I got lots friends on the C.B.
The Lonesome Cowboy – That’s Allan Carrier
And The Black Knight – that’s Allan Doresom
But there’s not a lot of girls on
Least not who are 15
But then
I hear her voice
Howdy Brain Surgeon
And her voice is
It’s chocolate pudding, eh?
It’s like the Strawberry Jam my mom puts up in the winter
I’m Phoenix
And I’m like WHOA
Cuz that is the name of Jessica Harper’s character in
PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE
The greatest movie OF ALL TIME!
Turns out she’s from Lockport
Which kinda sucks cuz it’s so far
Too far to take the bus
But it’s kinda neat too
Cuz my dad takes me fishing there
For catfish and pickerel
And then we go for a dog at the Half Moon later
And so I feel
I feel
I KNOW her, ya know
And we agree to meet.
And at the end she says
88’s
Which means
Hugs and Kisses.
And so the big day comes
And her dad drops her off at the A & W
On Henderson and Springfield.
It’s Saturday afternoon
And we have an hour.
So we walk to Bergen’s Cut Off
And stand beneath the Black Bridge
The Red River all
I don’t know
Dirty
And she leans over and
SHE KISSES ME
Which is not such a big deal
Cuz lots of girls have kissed me
Even though I didn’t want them to
Like in Grade 6 Lois Puntun kissed me
Behind Springfield Heights Elementary
And then Sandy Pauls kissed me
Behind Chief Peguis Junior High
And asked me to feel her tit
But I didn’t even though I wanted to
But this
Was different
Because I WANTED her to kiss me
And what was even better
She
PUT HER TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
And that was
Like
I had never
That was
You know
CRAZY.
And so right then and there
Right then and there
I ask her
Vanessa
That’s her name
Her CB handle is Phoenix
But her real name’s
Vanessa.
Vanessa, I say
Would you...
Would you go to Grade 9 Grad with me?
And she says
Yes. If I can get a ride.
And I’m like WHOA
I have a DATE
I have a real DATE for grad!
And out there
Out the window of this bedroom
My mom’s garden
Is where I put on her
Corsaaaage
My mom gets me a
Corsaaaage
Cuz that’s what you’re supposed to do at Grad.
And I put it on her
And my mom takes a picture of
Me and Vanessa
And I swear
I know then
I know there and then
What it’s like to be married.
Shift
Music. The opening to the Phantom of the Paradise Soundtrack.
A shift or not. Are we following the teen or the adult, we’re not sure. It’s now all blending in. Perhaps he finds an old velour coat to wear with a faded boutoniere and his teen glasses. Perhaps he finds an old vodka bottle or a case of stubby beers or a “bar with old drink bottles.”
***
Music plays.
It’s grad night.
And we go on
The River Rouge
Cuz that’s what you do in Grade 9.
When you graduate High School you get to go on the Paddlewheel Queen
But in Grade 9 you just get the River Rouge.
And we go on the River Rouge
Up the river
And we pass Bergen’s Cutoff
Where Vanessa and I kissed
And there’s some food and dancing
But then
THEN
Everyone comes back to my place
To my Rec Room.
Cuz my parents
GO OUT
They GO OUT to their friends’ place
And leave me alone till eleven o’clock
Which is amazing
Cuz this is the first party I’ve ever had
And EVERYONE’S THERE
Rod Warkentin and Ray Walker and the Cote Twins and Ruth Redke and Allan Doresom and Allen Carrier and Dean Gunnerson and Karen Dudeck, Linda Whitfield and Charlotte Chick who we call the Leotard Gang, cuz they wear these super tight jeans.
And Vanessa is there
And it’s all SO COOL.
And Mike Salmon has his own DJ system called S.O.S. Music and he’s brought his cool lights, so it’s almost like a dance at the Chief Peguis gym. And we’re all having fun and dancing.
But then, Mark Dumanski shows up. And I hate Mark cuz when I was a kid, he made me lick the fence. He’s goin with one of the Cote twins and she’s invited him over. I’m tryin to be cool so I don’t kick him out.
But then he goes behind my parents’ bar. And I say what are you doing ? And he says There’s booze back here. And I say You’re not suppose to be back there. And he says So? And he takes out the cherry brandy and the vodka my dad got special from Russia and the beer and he starts mixing it all together and calls it Swamp Water.
And he says Have Some. And I say No. And he says What, You Chicken? And I don’t want to be uncool, and so I drink some.
Which means its okay for EVERYONE to have some, and before you know it, people are getting drunk and Vanessa says
I think I should call my dad
And I’m like NO
And she says
I don’t think I should be here
And I start to panic.
And Mark Dumanski keeps going, giving everyone the Swamp Water until…
Lynn Redke pukes on the sofa
And Karen Dudeck starts making out with Ray Walker
And Allan Doresom gets mad because he’s sweet on Karen
And Ray starts kicking the door to the downstairs bedroom til there's a hole in it.
And then Mark Dumanski starts making fun of me
Hey Vanessa, did you know this guy’s a FAG?
AM NOT!!
Did you know this guy is a fag and that he can’t skate and that his parents are poor and they don’t even have a colour TV and they talk funny and they put stupid puzzles on the wall of this stupid old house, did you know that? DID YOU?
And just then Vanessa’s dad shows up and What’s Goin On Here and they leave and I hear him say to Vanessa You’re never seein this boy again. And she says I’m Sorry and they leave and I turn to everyone else and I say, I say:
He shouts out, to the past and the present, we’re not sure which:
GET OUT.
YOU HEAR ME?
GET OUT - ALL OF YOU!
THIS IS MY HOUSE.
THIS IS MY HOUSE.
Shift.
***
Here.
In this room
Is where they slept.
Side by side
For fifty years.
In this room.
Her breath like dough
Her eyes milk
Her skin flour
She looked at him
A last time
And was gone.
Here
In this room
Last month
His eyes swollen
As big as his heart
His old hands
In a new suit
Shaking.
Junge.
Yeah, Dad?
Help me with zis tie, ja?
The son ties the necktie round his neck.
Sure.
Junge.
When we take her out of the…
Hearse.
Ja. When we take her out, she’s going to be very heavy.
The Son listens.
She
The body.
It wants to go into the ground
She will want to go in ze earth.
Vershtest?
He adjusts the tie.
You look good, Dad
Know what my father said?
What’s that.
The boy who knows how to tie a tie? That boy?
Is now a man
He reveals: the box
And then
He hands me a box.
From your Mutti.
Junge?
I don’t know if I want live here without her.
Inside the box:
Three things:
He takes them out.
My broken tooth. Wrapped in cotton.
The Joe Daley Hockey Card. Taped back together.
A photo of Grade 9 Grad. Vanessa and me. In her garden.
***
I’ve been trying to keep it up.
Her garden.
But I’m not very good at it.
You won’t mind if I…?
I’d think I’d like to bury this stuff
In the backyard
Before the movers come.
Maybe
Years from now
A child
Maybe yours
will find them
call out:
Mom!?
Dad!?
Look:
A memory!
(he sings) Hi jee bin beitchee, Schlaff lange
Es ist ja dein mutter ausgange
She gone out
And won’t be coming home
And has left her boy all alone at home.)
****
So.
That’s the bungalow.
You can leave your email and your offer on your way out.
I haven’t set a price.
You tell me:
What you think its worth?
Lights.
-FIN-
For information about production rights to this play, please visit www.verthiessen.com